Worst. Stocking. Stuffer. Ever.

Molded fragrant soap NOT a “Perfect” stocking stuffer.

I have never understood it, but for some reason, soap, molded as a house hold item, a food item, a toy, or with something baked in it, like a coin, are thought of as a, and I quote, “The Perfect, fun, enjoyable and quintessential stocking stuffer.”

When, I ask you, did soap on Christmas become something children want to find in their stocking?

Here’s my horror story.

In my house our Christmas stockings were filled by my parents, we had to deliver said stocking to my parent’s room by 8pm on Christmas Eve with our name pinned on it (there were a number of us).

I willed myself to sleep that Christmas Eve, I just wanted it to be morning and I didn’t want to wake at 3am and have to wait for the sun to come up and the rest of the family – I wanted to wake, look in my stocking, and then move as rapidly as possible to the main event.

Anyway, at an undisclosed hour, our parents would deliver the filled stocking and place it at the end of our bed.

I did not hear the door or floorboards creek, but at about 2:37am, I moved my foot as far down the bed as possible in an effort to feel if the goods had been delivered.

Oh yeah, there was a heavy object right on top of the covers. My stocking had been delivered.

I knew I had about 5 hours of time to kill before any movement in the house started but I didn’t care.

With a dim orange night light guiding me I carefully pulled the stocking from the foot of the bed and began pulling things out.

Now, the dim orange night light was really dim. So I was mostly going by feel. Here is what I think I pulled out:

  • T-shirt
  • Walnuts
  • Box with something tin in
  • Toblerone
  • Hamburger
  • Something wooden, mini cricket bat maybe
  • Handkerchief
  • Tangerines

There was an aroma of lavender or sweet spice of some kind, maybe I had missed some tea in there and while I wanted to eat the Toblerone, I was intrigued by this Hamburger. This thing was enormous, it had what looked like lettuce, onions, tomato, all encased in this massive, fairly robust, bun.

In my defense, the dim orange night light was on the other side of the room and was really dim, and it was 3 o’clock in the morning, and I was young.

Did I mention it was dark and I was only a child – and can you imagine how it felt to bite into a bread and beef soap, with a wash cloth and loofah mix.

Yes, the hamburger was molded soap. The tomato was slice of loofah, and the onion and lettuce, cute little face cloths.

The taste was soap, the smell was soap, the entire thing, a facial cleaning “toy”. Had I thought for a second I may have asked the question, “Why is there a hamburger in my stocking?” And I should have answered, “There isn’t!” But I was young, and it was very orange dim dark.

Soap is not a toy or the quintessential stocking stuffer.

Here’s what I consider the worst stocking stuffers of all time – and all of them have the “Perfect Stocking Stuffer” label stuck to them around December 1st:

  • Fragrant Soap in the shape of a household item, or car, or food, or toy, or anything – it makes the good stuff taste of soap, I don’t care if it looks like a Rubik’s Cube, its soap.
  • Barrel of monkeys – this is not a game, this is shaped discarded plastic
  • Sea monkey set – this should be on a hazmat list somewhere and require registration
  • Walnuts (in shell – enough said)
  • Fruit, especially fruit that doesn’t actually fit in the stocking and gets lodged half way down – and if you’re really having a bad day, it’ll taste of the soap it was stuffed on top of.

What’s your worst or best stocking stuffer? Oh, and buy my Christmas decals.